HEART OF GOD

I've been debating writing this because I didn't know if I should just let it pass. It might be a bit long but if you're willing to lend an ear, we can discuss.

Today, I had my first college show since performing at APCA last week. During my set, I perform my sister Carla's poem "Pink Crayons" which deals with transgender issue. Normally no big deal but today I felt super weird doing it. And the thing is, it had NOTHING to do with the subject matter. It had more to do with faith. Because last week, I had my faith rocked and snapped backwards and not necessarily in a good way. It's been plaguing me since.

Ok let's backtrack:

For my showcase at APCA last week, I decided to honor both my sisters by performing their poems. "Awakening" for my sister Kate and "Pink Crayons" for Carla. I had a great showcase. I felt good.

Afterwards, I was approached by a Christian singer/songwriter. He told me that I had a great set and that I was extremely talented. He starts asking me about my inspirations and what moves me, etc. Then he came around to what I believe is the reason he wanted to pull me aside: he starts to talk about Pink Crayons. He asks where specifically in the bible would back my theory that God creates and loves us for what we are even if we were transgender. I told him that my sister has always been that way since she was born- before she knew what transgender even was- so why would God create her to feel/act that way only so He can disapprove of her lifestyle later. His answer was that we are born into sin and bent away from God and that it's our job to realign ourselves with him.

The thing is, he didn't come at me in judgement or to give me a lecture. He came at me sincerely and I'm open minded enough to have conversations like that- as uncomfortable as they may be- with anyone. 

The specifics of this conversation is not important right now. That can be discussed in a different post. Reason I'm writing this is during our conversation, he starts mentioning specific phrases in the bible in the most intellectual way. He starts spouting Romans and other books and I'm not good at all with remembering numbers. I know bible phrases but where they're found, I have a hard time remembering.

Point is, I have never felt so inadequate with my knowledge of Christ. Like, this dude made me feel so inept because when I was cornered, I didn't know how to respond.

In my journey, I have always searched for the HEART of God. I seek His love and grace and mercy. I seek to be a better person and to love all people regardless of who they are. But after this conversation, I had never felt so distant from God's love. As if, after everything, I apparently don't know Him at all. I felt like in an instant, I wasn't "smart enough" to get God.

This guy told me that when it comes to God, we can't just pick and choose which parts suit us and which doesn't. I agree with this which is why I also love my enemies. But in his eyes, if you are transgender, you are already living in sin. He even said that I should continue to love my sister but maybe I can also have a sit down and talk to her about how it's wrong (lol he obv doesn't know Carla AT ALL. Lolol) In this conversation he also said that because I'm a poet and I speak to a lot of people, I have to "be careful" with the message I'm spreading (this is when he brought up the verse of false idols etc.). When I told him that my sister loves God and prays to Him and is a good person to everyone, his reply was that wrong is wrong regardless of how "nice" someone asks. His analogy was that a child might be the sweetest child in the world but if he keeps throwing his cup on the floor and we don't correct it, he'll grow up thinking throwing cups on the floor is okay when it's not.

Again, his views didn't change mine when it comes to transgender issues...I love my sister and who she is and nothing will change that. But it just made me doubt if I knew anything about faith. It made me doubt if God's love is not being given to me because I'm supporting "sin"...that maybe I'm not qualified or good enough to talk about His love for all people. 

It made me feel like I was doing everything wrong.

I hope not. Because honestly, I still believe God made us who we are and we live our lives using all the talents in which we've been blessed. I still believe we have to get to the heart of God rather than the mind of religious scholars. I believe God's love comes from within and not from knowing specific bible phrases. Because honestly- if the God He believes will punish loving people for being who they are when there is so much real evil in this world that needs to be dealt with- then I'm not sure I want that brand of God. If that makes me wrong, then honestly, I don't know what to tell you.