Over the next few days I'm going to write a series of long posts (I know, sooo unlike me right?? Lol) called "The Thing About" on different subjects. It's also going to be posted on my blog at theasiaproject.com. If you see a subject you like, I hope you take the time to read it. It's pretty personal and there will be some subjects I'm forcing my vulnerability to write. So here we go....
THE THING ABOUT "FAITH"
A few weeks ago I woke up with this crazy need to go to church. Like, I was just compelled to go. I had been going through some challenges and I felt I just needed to lift them up. I asked Jess if she wanted to go but she had worked 14 hrs till 1am the night before and was really tired and trying to catch up on sleep. So I went by myself.
I got there about 5 minutes early so I just knelt and started praying about what God wants of me. Like, I knew He had a plan but honestly I was just scared. I was scared of failure. I was scared of success. I was scared nothing is moving and I was telling Him to make things move on my time. In my prayer I asked to have more faith than Peter when Jesus asked him to walk on water. I asked to be kept afloat and to trust what God wants of me.
Then 20 minutes later during the gospel reading, THAT was the exact verse they read. And THAT was the exact thing the priest preached about.
Like I said, I don't think there's such things as coincidence when it comes to God.
We are humans that WALK the earth. Our eyes fixed forwards and side to side to side. Sometimes we look up. Sometimes we look down. When we look down while walking on the street, there's not much to look at except the asphalt below us. Point is, we can only see as far as our eyes allow and most times, there's a lot that's blocking us from seeing further.
I think to have faith is to humble ourselves to be guided. To literally give trust to something that many don't even believe exists. We are putting our lives and our decisions based on this belief (and yes sometimes that belief is misguided and even evil cloaking itself as good).
Honestly, I don't know what's ahead of me. I don't know why God allows me to have some things and denies me others. The divine "plan" is so hard to figure out and sometimes it makes me question God's existence at all. It makes me question if I'm wasting my time. It makes me question if maybe I'm really on my own here.
But that's what faith is...not having definite answers to the questions we have but believing it's all working towards good. It's believing that God will always see us through no matter how bleak things might get from time to time.
And yeah, I may be wrong. I may die and nothing happens. But (lol) how will I ever know? Because all I know is right now, I need the faith. I need it so I can wake up each day with hope and optimism for the future. I need it so I know I'm not going at this alone...
...that if ever I had to walk on water, my faith will keep me from falling and being consumed by the dark deep.